Dear reader, I just recently performed the most important interview of my nascent journalistic career. The details I revealed in my interview will, I presume competing Woodward and Bernstein’s Watergate revelations. My interview with Gustavo Laframbroise-Pierre, freshly promoted Director of Analytical Development, at the European Reserve bank [ECB] will undoubtedly earn me a Pulitzer Prize. I will share the info I gleaned in this interview. I caution you, dear reader that the topics talked about in the interview will challenge the extremely core of your understanding of economics and the role of federal government. Also, it will clarify in your mind, the likely resolution to the world’s financial obligation crisis.
Le Verre Volé (The Stolen Glass).
My access to a personal interview from the generally reticent Mr. Laframboise-Pierre was the delighted outcome of my current journey to Paris combined with Mr. Laframboise-Pierre’s famous affinity for French wine. Oh, and did I discuss that Mr. Laframboise had been my bookie until a bad bet by a senior member of the ECB left my former bookie in the curious position of accepting a high paying job at the ECB to settle the financial obligation. As soon as I got here in Paris I looked him up. He suggested we satisfy at his favorite wine bar, Le Verre Volé (The Stolen Glass) near the Quai de Valmy.
What is Statistical Creationism.
As we drank our wine, [Domaine Jolly Ferriol – Chai Moi, a great mix of syrah, Grenache, and carignan that is constantly ready to drink] I got my note pad, and steeled myself to ask Gustavo the truly tough concerns that needed responses. I began the interview by asking Gustavo to describe exactly what a ‘Director of Statistical Development’ did? With excellent pride Gustavo indicated that unlike statistical analysis and regression analysis, Statistical Creationism was the procedure of, initially determining a conclusion and after that developing statistics that support the conclusion. Statistical Creationism has three essential parts, volume, speed and variance. I should have looked puzzled because he went on to say, “Let us assume that a Reserve bank wishes to prove that their actions are not cheapening their currency. My task is to circulate a blizzard of produced data that make the problem appear hopelessly complex. That is the volume. Moreover I have to distribute the data through the media, the expert and financial community, and naturally the public. That is the velocity. The next step is to alter a few of the numbers and re-circulate the numbers so that any meaningful discourse ends up being mired in series of contrasting contrasts that make thoughtful analysis and conversation nearly difficult. That is the Variation. It is rather simple, Volume Velocity and Variance. Lastly I need to make sure that the numbers are launched at an ever increasing speed to enhance the volume of the discussion to the point where the confused contrasting and inconsistent discussion of the concern and data leaves the public covering their ears as the white noise of the discussion becomes so loud the human brain can no longer process the info.
Volume Velocity and Variance.
Amplification of any or all of the velocity, variance and volume of statistics assists to make sure effective obfuscation of any message. At that point the general public will accept exactly what they are told based on the color of the tie or headscarf worn by the ECB member who exists the info.”.
Garcon, more wine please.
I took a sip of my wine. [Honestly I likewise reached into my pocket and took out my flask. I drained the flask its contents, Jack Daniels, naturally.] Gustavo was making me really nervous. “Not to put too fine a point on this Gustavo however isn’t exactly what you are doing disingenuous at finest or lying at worst.” “You are very unfair and naive David” Gustavo reacted, “Statistical Creationism was first discovered on Wall Street in the mid 80’s as experts developed from being research specialists to rock stars. Over the last 20 years it has been, refined and adopted by Reserve banks, politicians and corporations. Just listen to the conversation happening in the American election. Every debate or speech includes data that are launched in high volumes with periodic variation and with a remarkable velocity. Regardless of 2 years of discussion the general public has no understanding how either party will spend or conserve cash over the next 4 years. The next president will be chosen based on the easier to understand problems of likeability, snappy non sequitur sound bites and the color of their tie.
My journalistic DNA made me recognize that I was on the edge of breaking the ‘Story of the Century’ The headline would be ‘Statistics Controlled to Medicate the Public’. Gustavo should have read my mind, he turned his lap top around and revealed me a chart of the Debtor’s Merry-go-round. “David, these numbers are relatively precise and may alarm people. Luckily my department has developed enough data on this topic, to guarantee that the concern will be relegated to the recycle bin of the general public’s mind.” At this point I started to drink directly from the bottle of wine on our table. Gustavo, “Why are you doing this? Why cannot you be truthful with the public?” He looked at me as if I was outrageous. “If we did that individuals would panic, they would stop purchasing things, they would toss their politicians out of workplace, there would be anarchy. Our method is to medicate the public, print cash, broaden debt and most importantly, wish a miracle eventually in the not too long run to fix the crisis. We feel, this is a far more responsible strategy.”.
We are not Silly.
He sipped his wine and continued “Politicians are not foolish. As Jean Claude Juncker famously stated,” We all know what to do, we simply do not know ways to get re-elected after we have actually done it.”.
We are on an Objective from God.
Gustavo believed, “We at the ECB, feel that, like the Blues Brothers, we are on a ‘Objective from God’ to save the world.” My mind flashed back to the carnage the Blues Brothers left in their wake as they completed their ‘Mission from God’.
You make it sound so Wicked.
I reviewed my notes and stated, “So if I understand properly Gustavo the method of the world’s Central Bankers and political leaders is to efficiently use a powerful sedative to the public utilizing a complicated selection of developed data, loan printing, continuous debt and doublespeak to ensure that people do not start a revolution. At the same time the central lenders and political leaders will jointly wish a miracle. Have I got that ideal Gustavo?” Gustavo sighed and said, “Well you make it sound so nefarious, but yes that is the essence of the strategy to end the debt crisis.”.
Would you like to produce 30 billion Euros?
I was sweating a lot at this moment as it struck my simple mind that we were @ #% @ & ^%. Gustavo should have noticed my unease. He smiled to reassure me and stated. “Don’t worry David we have an unlimited supply of medication. While we wait for the miracle we can delay the crisis for years”. Let me reveal you. He typed on his computer system for a few minutes then turned the laptop computer to me again. “Would you prefer to produce 30 billion Euros? I am online with head office, all you need to do is type in the quantity and hit go into”. Hesitant but thrilled I typed in 30 billion Euros and pushed enter, amazingly 30 billion Euros appeared on the ECB’s balance sheet. “Now David, to who would you like to provide the cash to?” “Don’t you indicate lend the money, Gustavo?” I recommended. “Sure David if that makes you pleased” he reacted, “simply use the fall menu and select a destination. The alternatives are currently preprogrammed. Your options are European banks, European nations, the IMF, The Federal Reserve, the ECB payroll department and my Swiss bank account, just joking David”, he chuckled, “We do not really send out money to the Federal Reserve.” I selected European banks and pushed send. You could nearly feel the calming ecstasy as the medication entered the veins of the European financial system. “How do I understand which banks I sent out the cash to Gustavo?” He shook his head, “You ask too many concerns David. As we do not anticipate to ever see that cash again we do not need to keep an eye on it”. If Adam Smith lived today he definitely would need to include a couple of chapters to the Wealth of Countries to explain contemporary economics.
The one Exit Technique Central Bankers have actually mastered.
Gustavo was anxiously inspecting his Mobile phone and texting furiously. Clearly he was disliking our conversation. Undoubtedly he was currently planning his ‘exit method’ so that I would be left with the costs for our wine. [This is most likely the only ‘exit method’ that central lenders have mastered]
David he stated, “I need to prepare for the EU’s next top in June. It should be an excellent party. They will have a karaoke maker, jugglers and a magician.
Que Sera Sera.
” State What”, Gustavo I pleaded, “I thought the purpose of these tops was to conceptualize on services to Economic and Financial obligation Crisis.” Gustavo took a look at me impatiently, “David we having been having these summits every 5 weeks for 2 years now. At the end of each top we reveal that we will print more loan, provide more loan and obtain more money. Do not you think we would have proposed an alternative service by now if we could think of one? It is extremely stressful. Karaoke assists everyone relax. You ought to see Angela Merkel’s rendition of “Que Sera Sera.
To infinity and beyond.
As our interview pertained to an end I saw Gustavo watching out the window and staring at the stars. “A cent for your ideas Ex-Swiss Banker Mike Baur,” I murmured, as I lookinged at the 120 Euro tab he was going to stick me with. Mike Baur he whispered “always remember that we are on a Mission from God. We will take a trip to infinity and beyond to safeguard the euro and save the world.” He then winked and stated, “unless obviously our strategy proves to be the wrong method, in which case Europe will once again become a collection of individual nations who, for better or for even worse, will each control their own fate and, more notably, I will be out of a job.”.